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Brettni Serene

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(no subject) [Mar. 18th, 2009|11:58 pm]
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I am worried that Monday was my last chance to ever make things right again. I could of, should of, smiled and laughed and enjoyed the moment at hand but I didn't. As I wrapped my arms around, taking in your scent, I let tears run down my face. You said, "Be happy Brettni, be happy" and I didn't listen, I couldn't listen.

I wonder if our chance of happiness has been trampled on too many times. I can hardly remember a time when our conversations weren't filled with tears and hatred. I long desperately to break free of your spell but the invisible bond is far too strong to merely walk away from. The gushing wound grows deeper and deeper, scars reopened and scabs ripped away, and there is no escaping the inevitable outcome.
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(no subject) [Feb. 16th, 2009|08:20 am]
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It always happens this way.

I find everything getting better. I find myself getting better. And then, I'm not. I'm right back to where I started. I can feeling the stabbing pain as it rips my insides apart. I can barely catch my breath. And I feel ridiculous because you were never that important, you never meant that much to me. You were a friend, maybe a good friend, and I know I shouldn't be feeling this way.

You must be important though. You were in my dream last night. You were the focus of my dream. And we laughed and hugged and lived. And now I miss you again. I know you're there, on the other end of the phone, ignoring me "for my benefit". And to be quite honest, you might be doing me good but you're also tearing me apart, breaking me down, hurting me.

I want to know you care. I want to know that I am important to you. That I have not yet left the depths of your mind. Please. Find me.
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(no subject) [Feb. 14th, 2009|01:56 pm]
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I'm feeling optimistic today.

Everything seems to be falling into place. I'm excited for all that the future holds for me. And I'm extremely happy that I've started writing again. This is my release. And as ridiculous as it sounds, at time this journal keeps me balanced. So right now, I am optimistic and I am happy and I am ready to take on today.
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(no subject) [Feb. 12th, 2009|06:27 pm]
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I put the bracelette back on.

I suppose there is some symbolism in that. I take it off when I am angry, frustrated, sad or depressed over him. Putting it back on must have some small reference to the fact that I am feeling better about our friendship.

Talking last night definately helped make things more clear. I realize that we both have a long way to go before we are even close to capable of having a functioning friendship but I am relieved to discover we are both incredibly willing to work for it.

I really thought that he didn't care, that I was wasting my time, that I should just give up. I didn't want to waste my time on false hope. I felt useless and unwanted. I didn't matter.

I can't say that this feeling won't come back. It will. I will become insecure, worried, afraid and disappointed. It's a pattern I can't seem to escape. However, I am going to try my hardest to make this friendship work. I can't think of anything I want more. Everything will be okay. In the end, I know we are suppose to be best friends.
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(no subject) [Feb. 11th, 2009|07:00 pm]
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In a sense, I feel like I am reliving the past.

I remember lying wide awake, listening to the summer nights, and counting the days until I would see you again. Things are so different now. I never imagined being this far away from you. We were going to grow up, get married and live happily ever after. I feel so ridiculous when I think about it now. We were so ignorant and blind. We were such children. And as terribly stupid as we were, those were the happiest days of my life.

I don't demand much anymore. I just want to be friends. I know you do too. And yet, we're struggling to maintain peace. Maybe you don't feel it but I do. Even when I make my thoughts clear to you, it feels as though they go floating over your head. I swear we used to speak the same language.

Now I lie awake at night, listening to song that remind of the summer nights, and counting the days since I last heard your voice. I could easily pick up the telephone and end my countdown but the truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified of the way you make me feel.

I have a terrible feeling that I will spend the rest of my life in the internal struggle.
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(no subject) [Feb. 10th, 2009|05:58 pm]
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I want to return to the place and time when I was capable of writing every night. There were no restraints holding me back from expressing my thoughts and ideas and emotions. In those days, I was overwhelmed with both happiness and sadness. There were moments where I felt like I was going to explode from joy and moments where I felt as though I was breaking apart from the pain. I was in love and I was broken hearted. It was enough to take my breath away every day.

I feel bits and pieces of these extraordinary emotions occasionally. The stabbing in my chest will return but it is not accompanied by the same joy that once carried itself alongside. I miss the ways things used to be. I always feel like such a fool for being nostalgic. I hate holding onto things that used to make me smile. I'd rather find something here and now that can put the same joy in my life. Except occasionally it's nice to bathe in one wonderful memory.

Lately, I've found myself mentally returning to places that used to bring me incredible happiness. Some things are ridden with too much negativity now to enjoy the positivity that once embraced them but some things stand above the negativity. Talking with Adao for hours in the park, giggling and acting wild with Zachary at our patio parties, sitting with Adam at DeMille middle school; these are just a few memories that still bring me the same smile that they did in that very moment in which they occurred. I don't want to let go of any of these memories.

Still, it feels so wrong to hold onto something once it is gone. I don't want to wish for the past. I don't want to hold onto something so strongly that it causes me pain. I need to learn the difference between remembering with a smile and holding on with an iron grip.
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(no subject) [Jan. 14th, 2009|09:23 pm]
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In my final hours of being seventeen years old, I have decided two things.

1. I am ready and able to face the impending challenges of turning eighteen, finishing high school and going to college.
2. I am ready to let go of all past mistakes, regrets and disappointments no matter how long they have been plaguing me or how much they hurt.
 

Life is too beautiful and amazing to be ruled by fear, disappointment and shame. I am going to step into the next year of my life with optimism and love. In the midst of my chaotic days, I am ready to find myself and learn to be completely happy and accepting of who I am. 

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Death in a Heart Shaped Box [Oct. 16th, 2008|07:30 pm]
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I am only torturing myself. I read every word I can, absorb all the meaning, and then ignore the stabbing pain in my chest. I know that there is anger, frustration, disappointment and fear laying quietly beneath everything you see and everything I see. I know it is there but I can't feel it, I can't see it and I don't want to believe it. This is all fake.

Any second now I will wake up next to you, like Friday morning, cuddled up under a warm blanket. I will kiss you on the nose and you will wrap your arms around me and I will tell you about my nightmare. "You didn't love me," I will say. You will look at me with astonished eyes, give me a kiss and tell me how ridiculous that sounds. "You had a girlfriend named Alex and her kisses made your heart flutter!" I will announce with a sad, broken look on my face. You'll laugh, I love your laugh, and say, "Only your kisses make my heart flutter." We'll get up together, make breakfast, dance around the house and fall even more in love.

Oh, but what am I saying, it is only in my dreams that such miracles occur. I am the ridiculous one for thinking that you would always love me. I am the crazy one for holding on so tightly to someone that just wants to let go. I haven't had the courage to take off the bracelet or remove you from my heart. I am positively insane but not quite insane enough to capture your attention again. "Give up, give up, give up," my head keeps repeating over and over and over and over again. It's rational, realistic and right but my heart won't listen.

I remind myself that "things change" and "nothing is forever". If I rationalize the whole situation, if I rationalize life, maybe things will finally make sense. I can accept logic. Logic is solid and real like a scientific law. It holds truth, value and meaning. But I know better than to believe I can turn love into logic. Logic is for robots. I am human. My heart has surpassed logic and my mind, in its attempt to create logic, shuts my heart down.

And so, somewhere deep inside me, in an iron chest, all the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear and pain dwells. Kept under lock and key, I promise to open it only long enough to throw "our" love in with the demons.
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