|Death in a Heart Shaped Box
||[Oct. 16th, 2008|07:30 pm]
I am only torturing myself. I read every word I can, absorb all the meaning, and then ignore the stabbing pain in my chest. I know that there is anger, frustration, disappointment and fear laying quietly beneath everything you see and everything I see. I know it is there but I can't feel it, I can't see it and I don't want to believe it. This is all fake.
Any second now I will wake up next to you, like Friday morning, cuddled up under a warm blanket. I will kiss you on the nose and you will wrap your arms around me and I will tell you about my nightmare. "You didn't love me," I will say. You will look at me with astonished eyes, give me a kiss and tell me how ridiculous that sounds. "You had a girlfriend named Alex and her kisses made your heart flutter!" I will announce with a sad, broken look on my face. You'll laugh, I love your laugh, and say, "Only your kisses make my heart flutter." We'll get up together, make breakfast, dance around the house and fall even more in love.
Oh, but what am I saying, it is only in my dreams that such miracles occur. I am the ridiculous one for thinking that you would always love me. I am the crazy one for holding on so tightly to someone that just wants to let go. I haven't had the courage to take off the bracelet or remove you from my heart. I am positively insane but not quite insane enough to capture your attention again. "Give up, give up, give up," my head keeps repeating over and over and over and over again. It's rational, realistic and right but my heart won't listen.
I remind myself that "things change" and "nothing is forever". If I rationalize the whole situation, if I rationalize life, maybe things will finally make sense. I can accept logic. Logic is solid and real like a scientific law. It holds truth, value and meaning. But I know better than to believe I can turn love into logic. Logic is for robots. I am human. My heart has surpassed logic and my mind, in its attempt to create logic, shuts my heart down.
And so, somewhere deep inside me, in an iron chest, all the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear and pain dwells. Kept under lock and key, I promise to open it only long enough to throw "our" love in with the demons.